Today I had to get real with myself. That meant confronting what’s in my heart versus what’s in my head… no easy task, I might add… and move past fear and apprehension…
I’ll be 65 in a couple of months but actually retired on my 62nd birthday. Most of my career has been in some form of IT – programming, operations, training, client support, installations… and I truly enjoyed it. However, I became burnt out. On top of it all, I was plagued with migraines and vertigo – not a pretty combo.
On my last job I worked the overnight shift, supporting clients worldwide. It was a good job but each night I had to determine if I could last until the morning (8 am) or take the last train home. Problem was I began my shift at 11:30 pm; the last train left at 1:36 am.
On top of that stress nightly, I dealt with the guilt of not being a team player. Our shift had maybe ten people max scheduled; being minus one person was an added burden to the others. I’ve been in that situation on other jobs and I didn’t want to put others through it night after night… In my mind, I was not dependable, something I knew not to be true ordinarily.
Much prayer and soul searching resulted in the Lord asking me if I trusted Him. “Yes, Lord. You know I do,” was my reply. What He was really asking me was did I trust Him for what I could not see… no income other than Social Security. Apprehensively I continued to say “Yes, Lord.”
See, the problem wasn’t trusting Him but moving past the fear and apprehension that I might fail… that for some reason God would not move according to my schedule and meet my financial needs.
I’ve always been a self-reliant person who has a backup plan or option. Even when praying, I believed God for what He said but my mind still had A-B-C options somewhere tucked away… options that I would take to Him if I felt things were about to go south. Boy, was I in for a humongous, long lesson in learning to really trust God to be who and what He says He is!
Fast forward to today…
Not only is writing this post causing me, a very private person, to bare a part of my soul, it’s also forcing me to move past fear and apprehension. Fear and apprehension of what, you might ask… of knowing that once I post this, there’s no turning back. I won’t be able to erase it. Something that has been deeply hidden within me is now being put out there for anyone to read.
So why do it, you might ask.
More than anything else, even greater than the fear that was within me, I want to be able to help others overcome their fears and apprehensions and live life victoriously!
To be honest, that is a mandate on my life… God called and ordained me to preach, teach, and minister His word – something I take seriously and love doing. Part of that requires transparency. It’s one thing to reveal things to a small group, class, etc. It’s an entirely different matter to post it on the worldwide web… yet I’m doing precisely that… and with great joy and peace, too, I might add!
My faith in and relationship with God are what have brought me through the trials and tribulations, challenges, failures and successes of my life. He knew what it would take for me to move past myself and live life victoriously – His way! It’s ongoing, this moving past myself thing… but I’m not afraid anymore.
Will apprehension raise its ugly head again? Will fear try to consume me again? Of course they will, but I’ve learned how to recognize them and be victorious. I’ve learned to let God lead and guide me, to trust Him when I can’t think straight or see what steps to take. I’ve learned that His ways are not mine; His are infinitely better because He knows the beginning from the end and sees every trap the enemy will set and every step I will take or miss.
I can’t say what lies ahead for me, but I can say I’m an ongoing overcomer of fear and apprehension as I live life victoriously!